"Girls......Women.....Females.....i give up"

So here goes my next post....one that was long due....one that flows straight from the heart...that ejaculates straight from the shaft....excuse the metaphor..

So, now one day, there was God, the next day He got drunk, and in that state, He decided to create human. While He was intoxicated He created the female version. Then when He got his senses back, He created the male version to withstand the female version. Then like a total genius, He got himself covered with stones and colorful frames and stood at many different places, viz, temples, church, mosque, shops, wallets etc etc.

Females come in many categories and varieties, smart, intelligent, hot, beautiful, charming, sterile, crowy etc etc. But as far as the male version is concerned, we are limited to only two categories, dumb, and dumber. I happen to belong to the second group i.e, the dumber group. With a mindset that 'we are the best even if we are bald', with impotency problems at the most needed times, with nostrils wide enough for residential purposes and with a mind that is endlessly focused on girls, girls and some more girls, we are out rightly qualified to belong to the dumber version of males.

I am a proud eighteen year old teenage guy. Apart from mother and sister and a few other distant nameless relatives, I can boast of absolute no female interference in the first sixteen years of my life. But the past two years have been kinda dodgy. Plenty of girls, lack of senses, plenty of free time, lack of control, all these factors have led me to close proximity of various female personalities who have indeed left quite an indelible mark on my brain. Some might even call it tumor, some might presume it to be the after effects of a particular STD.

My first encounter with a girl was way back in 2002. I was at a camp for unknown reasons and foolishly got into a bet where i had to say "THE THREE HOLY WORDS OF HUMAN LOVE" to a girl. Always being a sporty guy i took the bet and successfully completed it. Of course the girl almost harassed me to a point of being moribund for the next couple of days, but nevertheless i won the bet. An entire sum of 150 bucks, which was mostly spent in buying an I-AM-SORRY card for that girl the next day. Four days later the camp got over, and i was gifted a letter from her hands on the final day. "I love you too but time is not right." Similar contents were held in the rest of the letter. Something that connected sun rays with my smile. I always thought my smile was more of a "milk bikis" kind of a thing. But as the time wasn't right, so wasn't the girl. Till date i don't know how did she even manage to know anything apart from my name and face, leave alone, love me. But lets face it, she was a girl. That's enough of an explanation. I realized that no matter how much i study, delve, jack off, think, no matter what, girls will be a tough code to crack.

Now its 2010, and i have had quite an amount of girls in my life to write something about. I have been in two "very serious" relationships, one of which is continuing now, four "lets try" relationships, one "casual" relationship and plenty other proposals made and heard. So it might be safe to presume that i am quite a battered and bruised person with an all time low confidence and with a lifetime warranty of no wits whatsoever. Such is my story.

My first casual girlfriend advised me to always be frank with my partner. As a result of it, i sincerely told my second girlfriend that i am with her only 'coz she looks good. Result -- bottles of tears, decibels of wailing, three sleepless nights (for her, i was dozing then) and a simple kick in my ass that threw me out of her life. The next girl told me that we should only be friends, I was being a very good friend, but then some other whacko gave me the idea that i was just being foolish and that it was just a girls way of giving me "signals". So i went up to her with a LETS-GO-TO-THE-NEXT-LEVEL proposal and immediately got stabbed in the heart for being a dickhead. That wasn't a signal or a detour, it was entire traffic blockage on her road for this life.

I never could find my way around girls. Everything feels so "bouncy". They themselves aren't logical but can make hell break apart if someone else isn't. God knows how many times has hell broken on me. Oh!! wait a second, God is hiding behind stones in places, so He wouldn't know really. My guess, a lot.

My first serious girlfriend, was all a guy could ask for, intelligent and hot hot hot. She even had a great name that was used in one of the Bollywood movies. As a bonus I also got a song of her name to make things easier. But as they say, guys will be guys and dumb will become dumber. Due to very mysterious reasons and morbid itch in the ass i realized that sooner or later she is gonna dump me. So why not let me do it this time. I did it and the result was the same. Bottles of tears, decibels of wailing's, three sleepless nights ( for me too ) , some off the book threats, a very bad headache and impotency. Result- i fucked up one decent thing i had. Worse, i was happy that i made a good judgment call.

My current girlfriend complains of the same age old complain, "you are not being sincere enough." Well, if sincerity means, losing sleep every night, showing concern over a broken nails, messaging constantly till fingers get withered, meeting out at all odd times in the most dangerous of places and then just sitting doing nothing, talking about how difficult it is for her to study when i am on her mind etc etc, then seriously i suck at being sincere.
I have my own ways of being an a-hole by the way.
1) I sleep on the phone while she is talking some serious stuff about a newspaper article.
2) I gladly use "Mom has my cell" excuse when she is about to burst open with funny complains about me.
3) I have put an alarm on my cell that reminds me to send her ""THE THREE HOLY WORDS OF HUMAN LOVE" at least five times daily. She found out about it.
4) I waste all my balance in downloading games while it was supposed to be saved for her.
5) I send messages meant for other girls, to her accidentally.

On a serious note, my faults aren't that lethal. They are just minor lapses. But well, somehow these are enough for a girl to go about with her funny sentences. Sentences that were all pre-determined to be used by a girl at some point of her life before even ice age existed. Most noteworthy of them are listed below :-
1) "You can open up with me. " Being a good guy, raised in a boys school for half my life, the words, "open up" hold an entire different meaning for me.
2) "I want to know the real you." Sounds very corny to me. I have no idea what a person has in mind when he/she says it. Worse, i have no idea what to say back to that.
3) "You are not the person i love." Wow, so now i am a hoodwink too. Come on dear, i never stole your eyes. And what is that even supposed to mean. Are you having an affair ?
4) "I want the old you back." Okay let me ask my mom if i can go back into her somehow and we will go through the entire process again.

Usually the dumb variety of guys tend to escape away from these situations. But i belong to the dumber variety. All i manage are a couple of sighs, some "oohs" and "aahs". If situation worsens, i say words resembling, "I see", "I will take care of it.", but if the female version is still persistent, i ultimately resort to the tried and tested excuse, "I am out of balance","I have to go to the toilet" or "Mom wants me to go out with her now."

Three more such excuses from me, and i may well be on my way of being single again.

Till then let me enjoy my blissful state of commitment and harassment.

"Love is of no use till a relationship is practical.
Once you are practical, loving gets difficult."

I said the same things to my third "lets try" girlfriend and i immediately got dumped with instant effect.

Till then, peace.